Big Brother cometh. And Big Brother produceth the freaks.
The words "freak show" have been bandied around the blogosphere in the last few days as the housemates for Big Brother Australia 2008 have been revealed. And having just watched the Launch Show I can say that that term is not entirely unjustified.
The Giggling One and I were joined for the evening's festivities by Danni and Dave, so that we could all share in the warm inner glow of a new season of Big Brother.
The launch started with the two new hosts Kyle and Jackie O, perhaps the two most pre-loathed hosts on Australian television. But hey, I'm willing to give them a shot and you know what? They weren't that bad.
They bounded on to the stage (which was straight out of an 80s chat show (oh the blinding whiteness!)) and told us straight up that Big Brother was going to give us lots of new things. Like huge microphones.
Kyle was a little awkward to start with: rather stiff and a rather distracting and off-putting eye tic. He got into the swing of things as the night went on, but that tic really started to bug me.
As for Jackie O, in the words of Danni she was a blonde insipid twat who was such a bimbo that she put her dress on back-to-front. So not her greatest fan then.
We were then introduced to a bookie who was there to give us the odds as the HMs (that's "housemates" for the abbreviaphobes) were introduced. In his own words it was "character of collision courses". So yeah, he had no idea.
We were treated to a glimpse of the "garden" next, and there was a collective "wtf?" as we saw the brightly coloured (some might say tacky) house. The Giggling One said it reminded her of last year's Big Brother UK house in that regard, and I concurred.
On to the housemates, and first up was Terri the granny we'd all seen in the promos for the last week. She's 52 and she tells it like it is. And she used to be a redhead which means she has an affiliation with Pauline Hanson. Obviously.
Saxon was next. He's a UFO believer, and sceptic that I am, I can't help feeling he may have a point; his hair was definitely not cut by human hands. "Take me with you" he cries plaintively in the promo package. "Yes, please take him with you!" I cry back.
Terri then entered the house and Kyle and Jackie O (KyJO? - bah why not?) made nanna jokes. Terri was followed in by Saxon, and he was immediately accosted by Terri who flirted with him and told him he must be rich to have all that gold jewellery, then showed him her muscles.
Jackie showed us inside the house next and we got to see the military style bathroom and one huge bed. That should provide some decent entertainment. Nice job there Big Brother.
Bianca was HM number 3. The 18 year old is the youngest and the most well endowed of this year's contestants. Her chest size is a curse apparently, but it sure as hell doesn't stop her flaunting it lasciviously.
HM number 4 was Nobbi (short for Nobuyuki or something like that. It's OK, he doesn't expect people to remember it. That's why he calls himself Nobbi). Nobbi is a metrosexual boxer who takes a towel to bed. Seems like a nice guy, though the towel thing is a little weird.
Oooh boy. Stand by folks, it's blonde cliché time. The next HM onto the stage was Malibu, I mean Brigitte. With an ridiculous dress and a plastic personality, Brigitte is every inch the walking semi-talking dumb blonde. So daggers of dislike out for her right from the start.
Upon entering the house Malibu informed a fellow housemate "I was supposed to start uni, but I'm shopping." Say no more.
Alice was the next HM to enter, and proved to be the early favourite for we voyeurs on the couch. She's an attractive vet who's not afraid to stick her hand up a cow's backside on a daily basis. So plenty of like for Alice.
Next we had Travis. You don't so much see Travis as hear him. We've dubbed him "Squeaky Godboy". He's a nice lad, but that squeaky voice is bound to grate on the other HMs.
The trademark Aussie Bloke was the next to go in. Rory was, according to Danni, the most attractive of the guys. But those dreads! Erg.
From one Aussie Bloke to another. The next HM was rugby playing abattoir worker Renee. She's a tomboy who hates girly girls. So she's not going to clash with anyone else in the house then.
You can't say the next HM is at all ordinary. Rima is a belly dancer. She's married. She's one metre tall with a cartoon character voice to match. She was absolutely tiny on stage beside KyJO, even with her platform shoes. She's definitely going to have the "cute" tag applied to her which may see her survive for some time.
When Rima entered the house, grandmother Terri went straight into cringe-worthy mothering overload. It was painful to watch.
HM 11 was Ben. Cast as the arrogant intelligent head boy, Ben came across as a complete knob head. Plus he couldn't stand still on stage so obviously forgot to go to the toilet beforehand.
Number 12 was National Anthem loving mental health worker Dixie. She seems to be one of the quieter HMs and is also well endowed. She and Renee are from the same town and had a lovely hug as they were reunited inside the house.
Rebecca was the penultimate housemate and by all rights should be blonde. She's a personal trainer, a skimpy barmaid, and a germaphobe. She has a lucky elephant figurine that she bought in New Zealand. Cos nothing says New Zealand like an elephant. Oh, and she doesn't hate fat people.
Our last HM for the night was ex-cult member David. He escaped from the Exclusive Brethren when he was 17, was recaptured, and then escaped again aged 19. He's now 33 and he's a fireman. Nothing like a fireman to get the girls hearts pumping.
So, let's review. Straight talking granny? Check. Alien loving fruit loop? Check. Huge breasted girl? Check. Metrosexual boxer? Check. Blonde bimbo? Check. Attractive smart girl? Check. Squeaky voiced weirdo? Check. Ocker Aussie bloke? Check. Ocker Aussie sheila? Check. Vertically challenged belly dancer? Check. Arrogant head boy? Check. Weepy mental health worker? Check. Personal trainer clean freak? Check. Ex-cult member fireman? Check.
Yup, that's one freak show right there.
And one of them gets booted out tomorrow.
Welcome back Big Brother. I missed you.